1. Slow Down, Speed Racer: Hold your horses on that first run! Sure, it's tempting to bolt down the opening 2.5km downhill stretch like a cheetah on Red Bull, but remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Keep those legs in check and save the turbo boost for when you really need it. Besides, nobody likes the guy who burns out in the first mile.
2. Fashionably Aero = Fast: Spring weather can be as indecisive as a cat in a room full of laser pointers, so dress for the occasion! Opt for sleek, aerodynamic gear that says, "I'm here to win," not, "I'm auditioning for a remake of the Michelin Man." Let's face it, looking good is half the battle – just ask any peacock.
3. Snack Attack: Pedal, pedal, munch, repeat! Use those downhill stretches to fuel up like a boss. Grab a gel or a snack bar and wash it down with a splash of hydration. Remember, you're burning more calories than a bonfire at a marshmallow convention, so keep those energy levels topped up!
4. Spin Class 101: When faced with those daunting climbs, remember: it's all about finesse, not brute force. Channel your inner spin class instructor and keep that cadence high. Grinding gears is so last season – let's keep those legs spinning like a washing machine on steroids!
5. Save the Drama for Your Mama: As you approach the final run, don't forget to save a little something in the tank. Trust us, nobody wants to be the person crawling across the finish line like a wounded wildebeest. Pace yourself wisely, and remember, it's not over till the sweaty, exhausted person sings!

So, there you have it – our guide to surviving the Bison Duathlon with a smile on your face. With these laugh-inducing tips in your arsenal, you're ready to tackle the course with style, flair, and just a hint of insanity. See you at the finish line, where the real party begins!